Leaving and Leaving You
by itainthardtryin
Summary: For Santana Lopez there's life, and then there's life with Brittany. One is much more interesting than the other. **This fic has been shelved and probably won't be completed**
1. Want and Wanting You

Santana shifted in the bed to make herself more comfortable. She pulled the arm draped across her waist closer, taking the hand in her own and locked their fingers together. The body behind her instinctively moved closer, making sure she was protected. She smiled at the comfort; this was what she liked about being in a relationship. Feeling loved, feeling wanted and feeling safe. She took a quick glance at the alarm clock beside the bed – 3.48am. She sighed. This wasn't the first time she had woke in the middle of the night and been unable to get back to sleep. In fact, every night this week she'd woken up in complete darkness, thoughts of only one person running through her head. She would then lie awake for hours, just thinking.

She thought about how, for as long as she could remember, this was always what she had wanted. A relationship, consistency and familiarity. Ever since she had been a little girl Santana had always dreamed of being the popular in school, with the popular guy on her arm, people moving out of their way as they walked down the halls of school – number one power couple, not to be messed with. But deep down she really just craved any sense of love. She'd got everything she wanted and more. She always thought that being a cheerleader dating a jock, there was always going to be the doubt of 'he's just with me for sex and image' in the back of her mind, but with Sam it really was different. He'd caught her eye from the first day he came to McKinley. The way he walked through those doors as the new kid, and automatically made status for himself instead of fading into the background, Santana was hooked on him. She made it her goal to make sure that she had her way with him – not only because she wanted to maintain her perfect record of having fooled around with every guy on the football team – but because, for once, Santana actually had _feelings_ for someone.

She'd made her move after the thing he'd had with Quinn fell apart, and they quickly fell into a relationship. It actually felt natural and that scared Santana slightly, but she would never let anyone know, she had an image to maintain after all. Their relationship was purely sexual to begin with, and Santana spent most nights at Sam's house, but after a while the dynamic changed. Instead of leaving straight after sex, Santana actually stayed with him and _cuddled_. What the fuck was that about? Even worse, she _liked_ it. She had always thought that things were better without feelings – hell, she thought it was better without eye contact – but here she was being proved wrong time and time again and she was quickly moving from scared to terrified.

Sam proved his worth though. He put up with Santana when others wouldn't. He held her close and kissed her forehead after every time Sue ripped her apart with her words. He was a constant reassurance when she had solos to perform in Glee club, he managed to calm her nerves in a way no other boy could. He would show up at her house and surprise her, either just because he wanted to see her or because he wanted to bring her a present – a takeaway coffee or her favourite DVD and endless amounts of popcorn. The day before their 3 month anniversary he showed up with a necklace. When she asked why he'd given it to her then, and not on their actual anniversary, he just said 'it wouldn't have been a real surprise then, would it?' and smiled, reaching over her shoulders to put the necklace on. Santana actually felt her heart skip a beat when he did romantic gestures like that. She was becoming soft. Sam had managed to get under her skin and make her less of a bitch and more of a romantic. He'd done the impossible.

She let out a slight sigh. That's why she felt so guilty. Here she was, lying here in the arms of her boyfriend who treated her like a princess, gave her everything she would ever need and more, and who loved her. All she could think about was how he wasn't the one she loved. All she could think about was Brittany.

* * *

><p>"Hey, babe! You nearly ready?" Sam shouted from downstairs.<p>

"Be there in a sec, just grabbing a jacket!"

Santana had been pulling her wardrobe apart all afternoon. This party was just a glee club gathering at Rachel's house, but that didn't mean that she could show up looking anything less than perfect. She'd tried on dress after dress, mixing and matching different combinations of jewellery, shoes and bags trying to get the right outfit. Eventually, after about 30 changes, she'd decided on a blue dress that came above the knee. She knew she looked sexy, she knew Sam would love it and she knew that she would turn heads as soon as she walked in.

She grabbed her jacket and threw it on, taking one last quick glance at herself in the mirror before leaving the room and heading down stairs. Sam's eyes lit up as soon as he saw her and she felt slightly uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Wow. You..." he stumbled over his words, "you look amazing."

"Thanks, I just threw myself together y'know. Last minute preparations," Santana replied with a smirk, and Sam laughed at her sarcasm.

"You look amazing," he repeated and took her hand. He leant in and put a soft kiss to her lips. When he pulled away he just smiled and squeezed her hand. "You ready to go?"

Rachel's house looked empty. The lights were off, and there wasn't even the slightest hint of a party currently happening. Santana regretted coming immediately and turned to head back to the car.

"Give them a chance San, it might not be as lame as you think," said Sam.

"Babe, look at this. Where's the party, the music, the _people_? It deader than a graveyard here."

Just on cue, the front door opened a lively Rachel Berry emerged from the house looking rather pleased with herself.

"Good evening Sam. Santana. I was beginning to think you weren't going to make it! Well don't just stand there, come on in. Come on!" She stepped aside and motioned for them to come through the door. "Everyone's already here, down in the basement! My dads are out for the evening and didn't want the crowds trashing their house, so we aren't allowed to party anywhere other than the basement, okay? I think they overestimated my popularity though," she finished, in a slightly defeated tone.

Santana looked at Rachel and smiled. "Hey, dwarf. Santana Lopez is here. It's not about quantity, it's clearly about quality." She noticed how Rachel's face turned into a slight smile as she recognized the attempt of comfort, and she thought that this not being a bitch thing actually had its perks. Making people feel good gave her the same buzz as tearing people down, even making Rachel Berry smile made her feel good.

Downstairs, the party was far from underway. The rest of the glee club sat around the edge of the room looking uncomfortable, making conversation to pass the time. Santana walked down the stairs and scanned the room looking for one person, and one person only. Her eyes eventually found the blonde in the corner, sitting on Artie's lap, kissing and giggling away in a world of their own. Her heart sunk and she suddenly felt very awkward. Her body language betrayed her as she grabbed onto Sam's hand for comfort, reassuring herself that she had someone, even if it wasn't the one that she wanted.

"Any chance of getting a party started in here Berry? Y'know – music, _alcohol_?" Santana hinted, hoping there would be something to help her drown the feelings that were threatening to take over, that she so desperately wanted to ignore.

"Let me be your knight in shining armour Lopez," Puck piped up from behind them. He held up a well stocked bag of alcohol, and not just the soft stuff. He had a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of vodka and a few bottles of shots. Santana smiled into herself, knowing the night was about to get interesting and was also now going to be much easier to get through.

"Thanks Puckerman, you've just made Santana one very happy girl," she said, walking towards him and taking the bottle of vodka from the bag.

* * *

><p>The night had went from 'boring Rachel Berry get together' to 'craziest party of the year' pretty quickly after that. Everyone was wasted, the alcohol was in steady flow and shots were being knocked back left, right and centre. Brittany had managed to strip down to pretty much nothing other than her underwear, and Santana was throwing back shot after shot every time she got a glimpse of Brittany's perfectly toned body. She knew she had stepped over the line from 'drunk' to 'wasted', and she knew she would regret it in the morning but right now all she could think about was numbing herself from her feelings for Brittany.<p>

Four sambucas, two vodkas and another bottle of beer later, everyone was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room. Puck had suggested they play a game of spin the bottle, thinking it was the only way he was going to get any action out of anyone in here tonight. Everyone had jumped at the chance and they were now in a circle on the floor, laughing and screaming as Tina and Quinn were just pulling out of a kiss.

"That was hot! I think this game was the best idea I ever had!" Puck shouted to the now blushing girls.

"Hey, what happens at Rachel's, stays at Rachel's!" Quinn threw back, scared that her rebellious side would get out and ruin her perfect image.

"If you keep doing that, I'll learn to keep quiet, " Puck replied with a smirk, pleased with how the evening had played out. He'd just seen some girl on girl action, a guy can't complain. "Right Santana, your turn, spin!"

Santana put her hand out and spun the bottle quickly. She watched it going round, wondering who it was going to land on. She only had one person in her mind, only one person she wanted it to stop at. It was going slower and slower, almost stopping. And then it was still. Santana followed the neck of the bottle like an arrow to see who it had landed it. As soon as she looked up her heart skipped a beat as she saw those blue eyes staring back at her, face beaming with a smile.

"Britt," she said softly, and took a breath to steady her thoughts. The room erupted with shouts of encouragement, the boys were visibly excited about seeing the two hottest girls in school make out in front of them. No-one was more excited in that moment than Santana. They'd kissed before, actually they'd done a _lot_ more than just kiss before, but this was different. They hadn't kissed since Santana had got with Sam because, to the surprise of everyone, she'd somehow developed a conscious and didn't have the heart to cheat on him. This was different because it wasn't until Santana got with Sam that she realised she was in love with Brittany. Every other making out session was just that – two people making out. But this? This was Santana about to kiss Brittany for the first time since she discovered her feelings. This was kissing someone you were head over heels in love with, and to say Santana was nervous was an understatement.

Santana was snapped out of her thoughts by Brittany's hand on her cheek. She hadn't noticed Brittany making her way over closer to her and she was now very much in her personal space. Her breath hitched in her throat, as her gaze snapped between Brittany's eyes and her lips. Santana brought a hand up to Britt's back and pulled her closer. They were millimetres from each other now, with literally nothing left to do other than kiss. Santana knew everyone around them was shouting and laughing, she knew there was music playing in the background, but she couldn't hear anything. She was completely lost in the moment.

Brittany made the first move and pressed her lips lightly against Santana's. Santana closed her eyes at the touch and completely committed herself. Britt pulled away, adjusted herself slightly and moved in again, this time with a little more force. Santana parted her lips, deepening the kiss and Brittany automatically mirrored her movements. The kiss started off slow and sensual, both girls being reminded of the familiarity of it all, and how natural it felt to them. Slowly, things began to get more heated. Brittany brought her other hand up to Santana's face so she was now cupping both her cheeks in her hands, while Santana ran fingers through Brittany's hair. They were breathing heavily now, breaking apart ever so slightly every now and then just to get some air and to change position. Santana could swear that in this moment there was no-one other than her and Brittany. She forgot about Sam, she forgot that she had everything she wanted in a relationship; she forgot that she had someone who loved her. All she could think about was how she loved Brittany, and she was kissing Brittany and how Brittany felt like home.

And just like that it was over. There was loss of contact and all of Santana's other senses quickly came into play again. She could hear everyone cheering, she could hear the music again, she could hear Puck saying something about how he'd died and went to Heaven. She opened her eyes and saw Brittany smiling in front of her, one hand still on her cheek. Brittany leaned closer and pulled Santana into a hug, bringing her mouth up to her ear.

"I love you," she whispered, and pulled away to reclaim her place in the circle.

Santana's heart stopped. She didn't know if it was the alcohol talking, but in that moment everything seemed to make sense. In that moment everything changed. In that moment Santana knew that that 'I love you' wasn't in a friendship sense; it was more. Santana knew that she had a connection with Brittany and she needed to act on it. In that moment she knew that every kiss she would ever have from there in on in, she wanted to have with Brittany. She knew that she always wanted to open her eyes and see blue looking back at her. She just knew.

_Thanks for reading! Any reviews would be great as this is going to be my first multi chapter fic so I'd like to know what you guys think!_


	2. Love and Loving You

The party had drawn to a close and everyone was starting to crash. Rachel hadn't planned on letting everyone stay, but after seeing the state of most of her friends she figured it was safer to just let them sleep wherever they passed out. Santana had spent the rest of her night with Sam, whether it was kissing him so everyone could see, or just making sure he was at her side in case she needed comfort, she had stayed attached to him for the rest of the party. But now he was passed out on the sofa beside her, and she just needed to be alone. She got up carefully, not wanting to wake Sam up, and made her way out to Rachel's back garden. She found a wooden bench just outside the door and sat down. It was so late in the night that there was a faint hint of sunlight rising from over the trees at the bottom of the garden. Santana sunk into the chair and embraced the feeling of being alone. She sat there for at least half an hour, just listening to the birds in the trees around her and watching the sun rise in the distance. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't see that she had company until they had taken a seat beside her.

"Hey, what are you doing out here all on your own? I was looking for you in there."

"Just needed some alone time Britt, bit of a crazy party."

"Yeah, tell me about it," she replied, and leant in to put her head on Santana's shoulder, sitting the way they always would together. Their bodies fitted perfectly together, their hands found each other's and they linked pinkies without second thought. They sat in comfortable silence, Santana playing with Brittany's hair without even realising she was doing it. Santana couldn't tell how much time had passed since one of them last spoke but she thought that it was now or never to talk about what had happened earlier in the night. If things went well, then she got the girl, but if things took a turn for the worse, she could always just blame it on the alcohol. She took a deep breath in and wondered where to start.

"I love you, Britt," she said quietly, guessing that the best way to tackle this was to get straight to the point.

"I love you too, San, you know that," Brittany replied, as if Santana was forgetting the most obvious thing in the world.

"That kiss earlier... in spin the bottle," Santana was getting nervous now. She didn't know how to describe what it had made her feel without giving everything away.

"Yeah, it was pretty good, right? I'd forgotten how well you could kiss," Brittany interrupted with a giggle. Santana relaxed slightly, thinking that this might be easier than she thought.

"I could say the same for you," Santana replied playfully. "It was pretty special, Britt. I... It... It made _me_ feel special." Santana could see confusion starting to settle on Brittany's face as she became unaware of where the conversation was going. "It didn't feel like when I kiss Sam, or even like how it used to be when I kissed you before, it was different."

"Different?"

"Yeah, different," Santana knew it was now or never. "It made me _feel_ something, Britt. It was like there was no-one else in the room apart from us. It was like nothing else in that moment mattered, like the only thing that existed in the world was you. And afterwards I felt like every time I kissed someone again in the future, it would never make me feel the way you did right then."

Brittany had shifted so she was sitting upright and was now looking deep into Santana's eyes, trying to see the real meaning behind the words. She said nothing, so Santana continued.

"I know you're with Artie, and I know I'm with Sam, but you can't tell me that there isn't something between us, Britt. We're made for each other and I don't just mean as best friends. I mean we were made to be together. When you said 'I love you' after that kiss, I thought maybe you had felt something in that moment too and my heart stopped. In that moment I saw how perfect everything could be for us. How we could live happily ever after, wake up beside each other every day, grow old together. Tell me Britt, can you see that future for us? Or do you think we're just friends? If you tell me we're just friends I'll forget everything that's happened tonight. It'll be hard, but I'll do it. I'll still link pinkies with you every day in school, I'll be there for you when you and Artie fall out, I'll still be your best friend. Just please tell me what's going on with us."

When Santana stopped talking she realised just how much she had said in such a short space of time and instantly regretted it. She was looking at Brittany, who was looking back at her with a blank expression that Santana found it impossible to read. Fuck. She knew the next words out of Brittany's mouth were either going to make her or break her. She'd meant what she said about still being best friends if that's what Brittany wanted, but she knew that it would be difficult to keep her feelings from getting in the way, especially now she knew what it was like to kiss her. The silence was getting heavier now and Santana was internally begging Brittany to just say something; anything.

"Santana," Brittany said so softly that Santana was unsure whether she had heard it or not. She lowered her eyes, scared to look at her. Scared of Brittany seeing her visibly break when she said they were just friends.

"Hey, look at me," Brittany brought her hand up to Santana's chin and moved her head up so their eyes were locked with each other again. "I love you. I don't just say that to anyone Santana. When I say I love you, I mean it. I haven't said it to Artie, but I could say it to you every second of every day and I would never mean it any less. The way you described me kissing you earlier, like it was just us in the moment? That's how it's been for me since the first day we kissed. Every single time I've looked in your eyes, every time I put my lips on yours, everyone else just disappears. Nothing else matters."

Santana's eyes were wide and she was completely speechless. She just stared at Brittany, taking in everything about her. The way her hand was still on her face making her feel more comforted than anyone ever had, the way her mouth showed the smallest traces of a smile and the way one single tear was freely making its way down her cheek. She raised her hand up and wiped the tear away and Brittany's face lit up.

"Britt..." Santana started, still trying to find words to respond. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you knew. It was never a secret."

Santana felt her heart break slightly. Had everything really been that obvious before and she'd just never noticed it? Santana had always known that she loved Brittany, but it had taken her to be in a relationship with Sam to realise that she was _in _love with Brittany. She had expected Brittany to say that they were just best friends, and that she loved Artie so this had her completely blindsided – but in the best possible way. What did this mean for them? What about Sam? Artie? And what about how the rest of glee club would react when they found out? Santana had so many questions that needed answers and she didn't know where to start.

"So what does this mean for us, Britt?" Santana asked, slightly nervous. She knew Brittany was in love with her, but she didn't know whether that would be enough for her to leave Artie and break his heart.

"Do I really have to spell this out for you Santana?" Britt replied with a smile and then, for the second time that night, she brought her lips down to meet Santana's and there was no-one else in the world but them.

* * *

><p>Santana stirred in her sleep as she felt a hand graze over her forehead, moving her hair out of her face. She smiled at the comfort, imagining the blonde haired girl beside her.<p>

"Morning beautiful," Sam said, still playing with Santana's hair. Her heart immediately sunk at the sound of his voice. She knew that today was the day she was going to have to tell him the truth about her feelings, about how she lay awake at night thinking about Brittany and about how they were in love with each other.

"Morning," she grumbled back. She could feel herself putting a guard up against Sam again, after he'd taken the time to break all her walls down. She felt bad for him. He'd been nothing but a perfect boyfriend to her, and here she was about to break his heart but she knew it was better to do it sooner rather than later. Although Sam had his arms around her, she only wanted the comfort of one person right now.

"Where's Britt?"

"Everyone else went home early, but you crashed pretty hard last night babe. I thought you needed a bit more sleep," Sam said. He was looking at her with loving eyes, and Santana could feel herself breaking. She needed to get this over and done with.

"Sam, we need to talk," she sighed, her voice laced with guilt. His face dropped and his smile faded. He knew this wasn't going to be good.

"What's wrong?"

Santana sat in silence. She really hated this. She looked at Sam and seen the worry painted all over his face. He was looking her up and down with nothing but concern in his eyes. Santana still couldn't find the words.

"Santana, what's wrong?" Sam repeated.

The way he used her name instead of 'babe' or 'beautiful' hit her like someone had put a knife in her chest. He was never serious, he never called her Santana. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second to steady herself. She imagined those blue eyes staring back at her, she imagined the touch of her hand on her cheek and somehow she found the strength to speak.

"I can't do this anymore Sam. All of this. Us. I just can't do it," her voice broke but she forced herself to keep it together. "I love you, but I'm _in_ love with someone else."

Sam looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach. The hurt that was written all over his face as his eyes looked nowhere other than at Santana was almost too much for her to bear. Minutes ago he had came over to his girlfriend, sat down beside her and looked at her with nothing but love in his eyes. But now he was sitting there, broken and single. Santana didn't know how to continue on, so she sat there in uncomfortable silence until Sam was ready to break the tension.

"Who?" he said softly after what seemed like an eternity.

Santana knew that this would be the first thing that he would want to know, but she was terrified of giving him the answer. Not only was she telling him that she was in love with someone other than him, but she was also telling him that she was in love with a _girl._ She didn't know what part scared her the most.

"It's... It's Brittany," she stuttered, but looking straight at him.

"Brittany," Sam repeated. Surprisingly he didn't look as hurt as he had done a few moments before. There was something in the way he was looking at Santana that made her think that he understood. It made her feel even worse, and tears started rolling down her cheeks. She didn't know why she was crying – whether it was the guilt, hurting Sam or it was through relief of finally telling someone out loud that she loved a girl.

"Brittany," he said again, and Santana was shocked to see that he was actually _smiling_. "It's always been her, hasn't it?" he asked her, looking her straight in the eye begging for an honest answer.

"Yeah, I love her, Sam. I'm _in love_ with her. I can't help it," Santana replied, defeated. "I love you too. I do, and I'm sorry. This hasn't been fair on you."

"Hey, look at me," he said, mirroring Brittany's words from the previous night and it made Santana's heart stop for a moment. "I'd be lying if I said I'm not hurt. I love you, you know that. But I'd rather lose you to Brittany than to anyone else. And thanks for being honest with me. It's really the best of a bad situation," he finished with a slight laugh, and Santana couldn't help but smile along with him. How did she get so lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend? _Ex- boyfriend_, she corrected.

"So we're okay?" she asked, hoping that she would still have Sam as a part of her life in some way because after all, he'd been a pillar of strength to her over the past few months and she didn't want to just throw that away.

"Yeah, we're okay," he said, "But you just broke my heart Lopez, don't expect this to be easy for me." Santana was taken aback, but relaxed when she seen the smirk coming across Sam's face.

"Thanks," she said, "for everything."

"Yeah, you too," Sam replied, pulling her into a tight hug. His arms wrapped around her tightly and he hugged her as if he knew that this was the last time he would get this sort of intimacy with her. Santana hugged him back with just as much force.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too."

* * *

><p><em>I'm single. Are you?x<em>

Santana pressed send and eagerly awaited the reply. After she'd found out that Brittany felt the same way she did, they'd discussed what their options were. They'd considered just staying friends and hooking up in private, because Santana was scared of people knowing she was with a girl, but they quickly dismissed that option when they realised they were in love and couldn't just be friends any more, regardless of how difficult the road ahead would be.

So they'd moved on to how best to deal with Sam and Artie. Brittany wanted to wait a while and let Artie down gently because she felt sorry for him, whereas Santana just wanted to get it over and done with. In the end, Santana convinced Brittany to get on board with the idea of getting it over and done with. They had both agreed to break up the next day, as soon as they could. For Santana it had been the first thing she'd done when she woke up. She had a new found confidence in herself now she knew Brittany shared her feelings. She knew things were going to be hard and people were going to get hurt, but she also knew that in the long run that this is the way things were meant to be; her and Brittany, together as a couple.

So here she was, newly single, just waiting for Brittany to be in the same position. They'd decided not to get together immediately, but to take things slow. They didn't want to jump into a serious relationship right away and risk losing their friendship. Instead they'd decided to take things a step at a time and learn how to work their friendship into a relationship, keeping it as the foundation for their future. Santana usually wasn't one for taking things slow, but with the feelings she had for Brittany she'd take things as slow as they needed for things to be perfect.

Time seemed to be standing still. Santana kept checking her phone, scared she'd somehow missed Brittany's text even though the phone hadn't left her hand the entire time. She was starting to get nervous now, thinking that Brittany had backed out of the plan and decided to stay with Artie, leaving Santana with no-one. She knew Brittany wouldn't do that, she trusted her with her whole heart, but there were still doubts running through her mind. Finally, after what seemed like forever, her phone beeped and the screen displayed "1 new text". Santana pressed 'read' and looked at the message in front of her.

_I'm single and I'm yours.x_


	3. Lying & Lying With You

Brittany put her arm out and grabbed Santana's shoulder, bringing them both to a stop. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Britt, it's been a month. We're going to have to make it official eventually. So, now's as good a time as any," Santana said with a smile.

"As long as you're sure," Brittany replied, taking Santana's hand in her own. Santana gripped it tightly as if she needed to let Brittany know exactly what she was feeling.

Since the party they had taken things slow, just as they planned. Santana was still scared of what people would say in school when they made things official, and she knew that Brittany could see her fear even if she never said it out loud. They'd walked the corridors of school linking pinkies as they always did, although now there was so much more meaning to it. They would still steal glances at each other across classrooms and hallways, but now instead of thinking _'I wish I had her'_, it was _'wow, I'm lucky to have her'. _They were still inseparable, they still laughed together, they were still Santana and Brittany; they just weren't _Santana and Brittany_ yet.

Santana knew that people were getting suspicious when both girls suddenly became single on the same day. Their suspicions were raised further when they caught them holding a gaze for just a second too long, or when they noticed the badly disguised attempts at holding hands in class under the table. Sam and Artie had stayed quiet. They both knew it wasn't their place to 'out' their ex-girlfriends, regardless of how difficult it was for them to sit back and watch the girls they loved love someone else. For this, Santana was more thankful than anyone would know because she knew she needed time to prepare herself to being open about her relationship with Brittany.

"Yeah, let's do it," Santana said, and they walked into Glee club hand in hand, radiating all the togetherness of a new couple. They both searched the choir room waiting for people's expressions to change as the new relationship registered in their minds. Rachel was the first to notice and her face quickly went from confusion to pure delight.

"Santana! Brittany!" She exclaimed, looking from their hands with fingers interlocked, back up to the look of sheer happiness on Brittany's face. She noticed how it was contrasted by the look of complete fear on Santana's. "Does this mean...?" She trailed off as she jumped out of her seat and ran towards the new couple. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet, clapping her hands together with excitement just waiting for confirmation to celebrate.

"Yes, Berry. We're together," Santana said with more confidence than she thought she would have. "We're officially a couple." Rachel gasped and spent no time hesitating to pull both girls into a tight hug.

"About time!" Mercedes piped up from behind Rachel, "We all thought we were going to have to play Cupid if you didn't get together soon!"

"I, for one, am thrilled that you've both finally come to your senses and embraced true love!" Kurt said excitedly. Both Brittany and Santana blushed at the mention of love. Santana gently squeezed Brittany's hand and caught her eye, letting her know that she echoed Kurt's sentiment.

The rest of Glee club came up one by one, offering their congratulations and all explaining how they knew it was going to happen eventually. Puck was celebrating his winning bet against Mike, who was huffing in silently after having quickly become $20 out of pocket – _"She's whipped Mike, I'm telling you now. Within a month, they'll be together. 20 bucks," Puck said one day in Glee club, while watching the two girls flirt back and forth with each other. "You're on," Mike replied, "there's no way Santana would ever settle down. My money's safe Puckerman!" _– Puck was gloating now, wearing that look saying 'I told you so' as he placed the money in his wallet.

Santana was relieved. She'd wanted to reveal her new relationship to everyone in glee first because she knew if they supported her, then the rest of the school would be easier to deal with. She was surrounded by friends who cared for her and Brittany, even if she'd spent years tearing them down with her words and making their lives a living hell. She didn't think she deserved the love and affection they were showing her in this moment, but she was thankful for it. She looked around at the smiling faces of her friends before her, all laughing and joking about how perfect she and Brittany were together.

Santana loved it when the glee club came together. She reminisced about how they'd come together when Kurt's dad was in the hospital, how they'd come together again when Jesse had started to play mind games with Rachel, and most of all how they came together when Puck got Quinn pregnant. Santana paused for a moment and looked at the faces in front of her. There was one person missing from all of this. _Quinn._ Santana scanned the room, looking at the chairs behind the crowd and there she was. Quinn was still sitting in her seat and it was clear that she hadn't moved since Santana and Brittany had entered the room.

Santana's eyes met Quinn's and there was something there that made her feel uncomfortable. The way Quinn was looking at her; she couldn't quite translate what it meant. She looked as if she didn't understand, Santana thought, but when she looked at her again she thought she saw a hint of disappointment on Quinn's face. Their eyes remained locked for another few seconds as they looked at each other trying to silently have a conversation. Santana was suddenly pulled away from Quinn's glare by Rachel pulling her into another tight hug while still exclaiming things like 'finally!' and 'I'm so happy for you both!' over and over again.

The commotion died down a few moments later when Mr Schuester made his entrance and told everyone to take a seat because, as happy as he was for the new couple, they still needed to rehearse if they had any chance at Nationals. Santana looked up expecting to find Quinn's gaze meeting her again, instead she was greeted with the empty chair where Quinn had been moments before. Her eyes immediately found the half open door on the other side of the classroom. Quinn had left.

* * *

><p>The rest of the week went without incident. Santana and Brittany walked down the corridors of McKinley, hand in hand just as any couple would. They met at their lockers after each class, would chat about whatever the other had missed and they would say goodbye with a kiss before heading on to their next class. Of course eyes stole glances and heads turned, but Santana was beginning to become more and more comfortable with being public about her relationship with Brittany. She was confident that the status she'd built up over the years meant they would be protected. No-one would in their right mind would stand up to them because they knew that Santana would either floor them with one single punch or she would continue to make their life hell for the remainder of their time at the school. Santana always smiled to herself when she remembered that she was actually <em>feared<em> here, and it made her relax.

Something in the back of Santana's mind kept bringing her back to Quinn and the look she gave her when she'd walked in hand and hand with Brittany. She still didn't understand it, but she'd let it go. Quinn had been nothing but normal to them for the rest of the week, supportive even. She would walk with them to class, laughing about how she never imagined Santana to be the sort to be in love, to which Santana had responded by punching Quinn in the arm telling her that it's impossible not to love Brittany. Quinn agreed.

* * *

><p>It was Friday evening. Santana pulled up outside Brittany's house, looked in the rear view mirror and fixed her hair. She took her keys out of the ignition and got out of the car, walking up to the door. She knocked gently and waited. Moments later the door opened and Brittany was smiling back at her.<p>

"Hi," Santana said, smiling back at her girlfriend.

"Hi," Brittany replied softly.

"You look beautiful. Really, really beautiful," Santana looked at Brittany as if she could look at her forever. Brittany blushed. "Ready?"

Brittany nodded and reached out to take Santana's hand, their fingers linking with each other's immediately. Brittany closed the door behind them and they made their way to Santana's car.

"Where are you taking me?" Brittany asked with excitement.

"You'll see. Just wait."

Santana's insides were like jelly. She'd been on dates before. She's been on _lots_ of dates before. But she was always the one being wined and dined; she was always the one being treated. This was the first time she'd been on a date where she was the one doing the wining and dining and she was terrified. She'd asked Brittany to go on a proper date with her after their first day in glee club as an official couple. The thought terrified her, but she knew that this was what couples did. They went on dates. She'd asked Brittany if she wanted to go out on Friday night, her treat. The moment Santana had mentioned going on a proper date Brittany's face lit up in a way it had never done before. Santana took a mental note that she always wanted to make Brittany smile like that. She thought back to Brittany's smile that day and her current fear of taking Brittany on a date faded quickly. After all, she'd went all out to try and impress her. She was sure Brittany was going to love it.

They drove for about 15 minutes, first heading down the freeway, going off at an exit and then taking a road that Brittany had never been down before. Santana noticed the puzzled look on her face as she realised they were going out of the town rather than into it.

"Where are we?" Brittany asked, her voice laced with confusion.

"Trust me, Britt, you'll see in a minute."

True to her word, Santana brought the car to a stop minutes later. They had pulled up at a small lay-by on a back road that seemed to be seldom used, and it was clear that Brittany was wondering what was going on. As they got out of the car Santana reached over into the back seat and pulled out a large bag that seemed to be full of things that Brittany couldn't quite make out.

"Come on, let's go. Follow me," Santana said cheerily, reaching out for Brittany's hand.

They walked down a few small steps through an opening a stone wall at the side of the road. Brittany looked around, still confused. There was nothing in front of them apart from an empty field surrounded by trees, with what Brittany thought was water in the distance. Santana marched on, following a small track in the grass that had been carved out by the few people who had been here before them. Brittany tried to look around for clues, but she didn't recognise the place and she had no idea why she was here.

A few moments later, after clambering over a hill, and then climbing down the small slope on the other side they had arrived. Santana stopped and looked at Brittany. "We're here."

Brittany looked around. In front of her was a lake, she could almost see the bank of the other side in the distance. The water was calm. There wasn't a sound to be heard. They'd only driven about 10 minutes outside of the city, but here you would think that they were hundreds of miles from anywhere. Where they stood was a small bay, where the lake came inland slightly. There was a small beach that looked like it was from a movie set. There was washed up driftwood, a small wooden boat that looked like it had seen better days stuck in the sand and seaweed being brought in with the gentle waves. Brittany didn't know that a place like this could exist so close to her and not know about it.

"Wow," she said softly. "Santana, how did you find this place?"

"My dad used to bring me here when I was younger. He said it was our special place. Ever since I've been able to drive I've came here every so often, just by myself. It's my escape."

"Wow," Brittany repeated as she continued to look around, taking in what was in front of her.

"I, um, I brought us something," said Santana, "but first, come with me."

Yet again, Brittany followed Santana. They walked past the shipwrecked boat in the sand and moved slightly further up the beach, away from the water. Santana set down her bag and took out a blanket, laying it down on the ground in front of them. They both sat down and Santana yet again went into the bag, this time taking out her iPod and a set of speakers, along with two pillows. She set one behind her head, and gave the other to Brittany. They lay down beside each other and Santana fumbled with her iPod.

"Is this our date, Santana?" Brittany questioned flatly.

Santana felt her heart skip a beat and then drop with disappointment. "You don't like it?"

"No, no! God, no, Santana it's perfect!" Brittany replied hastily when she realised how her question had sounded. "I mean, I just thought you would be the sort to just take me to Breadstix or something. I never thought you'd do something this special."

"You're special. I couldn't just take you out for a meal in some cheap restaurant and pretend that it was important enough for you to remember as our first date. I had to make effort."

"Well this is perfect," Brittany replied and leant over to place a kiss on Santana's cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Santana said with a smile, "I just wanted to spend time with you. Just you. No-one else. Not having to check if someone's looking at us and judging us. I just wanted us to be alone, so we can just be us and be together." She was still flicking though songs on her iPod, looking for one song in particular. She eventually found it, leant down to pick up the speakers and plugged them in. She lay down beside Brittany, pressed play and then took Brittany's hand in her own. Brittany rolled over slightly onto her side and draped her other arm over Santana, pulling her closer with a hug. She placed her head on Santana's shoulder, keeping their bodies close.

_So many nights trying to hide it__  
><em>_But now I stay awake just pleading for more__  
><em>_To think this heart was divided__  
><em>_I'm losing sleep cause I can't ignore_

_Feeling your touch all around__  
><em>_Peacefully hearing the sound__  
><em>_Of silence around us, so glad we found us this way_

_Find me, here in your arms__  
><em>_Now I'm wondering where you've always been__  
><em>_Blindly, I came to you__  
><em>_Knowing you'd breathe new life from within_

_I can't get enough of you..._

They stayed like that for an hour, maybe two, Santana wasn't sure. Time seemed to stop when she was with Brittany. They lay beside each other just talking. They talked about everything and anything that came to mind. Conversation always came easy with Brittany, and even when there was silence it was comfortable. After a while though, Brittany decided she wanted to play in the water. Santana had sighed, but followed, because that the end of the day all she wanted to do was make Brittany happy. To her surprise she'd enjoyed it. Brittany had started splashing and Santana, not one to be teased, splashed back. Soon enough they were having a proper water fight, acting like kids all over again. Eventually though, the sun had started to go down and the wind had started to pick up. Reluctantly they agreed it was time to go home before it became too cold; they needed to get out of their wet clothes. Santana told Brittany to head to the car and she would pack up their stuff. She quickly shoved everything into the bag and almost ran to catch up with Brittany, even though she hadn't got far.

"Hey," she said when she was at her side. "Did you, um, enjoy tonight?"

"I told you already. It was perfect. Like, really perfect," Brittany replied. "Can we have all our dates here?"

Santana laughed. "Not all of them, Britt! It gets cold in winter remember," she said playfully. "But maybe we can have a few more here, yeah. I like when it's just us."

"Yeah, me too. Even if we can't have all our dates here, can this be our place?"

Santana thought about her father. She thought about how, when she was much younger, he would bring her here to spend time with her. They would skim stones, build a small campfire and sit beside it while he told her a story, or just walk along the beach enjoying each other's company. He always prided himself that this was their place. The one place they could go so the world couldn't touch them. He always told her to leave all her problems, all her worries, all her stress at home. Here, they just _were._ They weren't Santana Lopez - elementary school student, and Dr. Lopez - Lima Memorial Hospital's best surgeon. They were just father and daughter. They just existed, and everything else in the world seemed to disappear. Santana loved that. She loved being able to forget everything and just fully commit to spending time with someone she loved, doing whatever felt right. She loved how this place made her feel. It was the only place she'd ever felt safe.

Santana thought about her father and then she thought about Brittany.

"Yeah Britt, this can be our place."

A/N – the song is 'Find Me' by Boyce Avenue.


	4. Hurt and Hurting you

Santana was a simple person. She took each day as it came, doing what she wanted, when she wanted. It had worked well in her favour so far, so she remained carefree. She only had one rule that remained true to her life – if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. She'd forever told herself not to get her hopes up. That way she'd never be let down.

After spending the weekend with Brittany – her _girlfriend_ (she still wasn't used to saying that) – Santana was almost 100% sure that she'd finally found the exception to the rule. They hadn't left each other's side since their date on Friday night, and they were now walking hand in hand through the doors of McKinley, heads held high on Monday morning. Santana almost had to pinch herself as a reminder that this was actually real, she was actually _with _Brittany, she'd actually got the one person she loved more than anything. Anything just to slip her back into reality.

Everything happened so quickly that she didn't even have time to get angry. The slushie on her face was so cold that it was immediately giving her a headache. Her clothes were sure to be ruined, and she was sure that half the school saw what just happened. Usually, she would have been furious, throwing punches left right and centre. But as she looked to her side and saw Brittany standing there, ice rolling down her face and looking like she could burst into tears at any moment, her priorities immediately shifted.

Karofsky was walking past with the rest of the football team, laughing and high fiving their accomplishment. Santana however, was only looking at one person. She was even ignoring the pointing and laughing coming from down the hall.

"Britt, come on," Santana said softly, putting her arm round Brittany's shoulders. "Let's go get cleaned up."

Santana walked both of them to the nearest bathroom and as soon as they stepped through the door Brittany started crying. Santana didn't know what to do. She'd always been the emotional one out of the two, but it was only Brittany ever saw her cry. It was always Britt comforting her, so this was completely new. She started wiping Brittany's face clean, making sure to take time to wipe away her tears too. They'd been stupid to think that they would be able to come to school without being picked on. Just look at what had happened to Kurt. Santana was sure that the only reason no-one had bothered with them last week was that it took the jocks a little longer to catch on than the rest and, at the end of the day, they were the only ones who would go out of their way to make your life a living hell.

"Is it going to be like this from now on Santana?" Brittany asked through sobs.

Santana thought deeply before answering. She could either throw Brittany a line about how this was a one off and she'll make sure it won't happen again, and she knows Brittany would believe her. Or she could tell the truth that yes, this is the way things are always going to be from now on. She didn't want to hurt Brittany – ever – but she also didn't want to have to start lying to her, especially this early on in their relationship. She quickly made a decision.

"If it was always going to be like this, would you want us to split up?" she asked. Her voice was uncharacteristically small and she was avoiding eye contact even though she could feel Brittany staring.

"No," Brittany said. Santana immediately looked up and met her eyes. There was nothing there but honesty. Santana knew that Brittany understood exactly what their relationship meant – that they were now going to be the outcasts, the rejects, and they were going to be picked on every day – but Brittany still wanted her regardless. She wondered why she'd never noticed Brittany's bravery before.

"You'd really put up with all of this just so you could be with me?"

Brittany nodded. "Wouldn't you?"

* * *

><p>Things went from bad to worse as time went on. Slushies were a part of their daily routine. They couldn't walk down the halls without someone laughing or pointing or saying something behind their backs. Brittany showed no reaction, but Santana was becoming more and more angry by the day. She'd managed to control herself so far, but she knew it was only a matter of time before she snapped. And she was right.<p>

As she walked up to Brittany after class, she heard the noise of someone being thrown violently into the lockers behind her. She turned around and saw Karofsky. She then looked closer and saw Kurt on the ground, who was now being dragged to his feet and held firmly against the locker. The fear in Kurt's eyes was undeniable as he looked at Karofsky's fist which was preparing to do damage. Santana couldn't stand back and let this happen. She knew Karofsky picked on Kurt, but she'd never seen him be physically violent towards him. She also knew that he was doing this to Kurt because he was gay, and now that she was out and proud she felt an obligation to protect him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Santana screamed, storming over to the scene as Dave still held Kurt up against the locker. She couldn't control her anger any longer. "GET OFF HIM! NOW!"

Karofsky left go of Kurt, throwing him to the ground again. He didn't even take a second look at him before making his way over to Santana. "Something wrong, dyke?" He hissed.

Santana saw red. She had been able to forget the whispers, the passing comments and talking that clearly happened behind her back. She could be the bigger person when she heard someone gossiping about her relationship in the cafeteria or beside the lockers as she walked past them in the hall. Hell, she could even laugh off someone shouting abuse at her for kissing Brittany in school because at the end of the day she had Brittany and she was happy. But this? Karofsky directly in front of her face, in her personal space, calling her a _dyke?_

"What did you call me?" Santana said, looking him square in the eye. "Say it again. I dare you."

"I said is there something wrong? Dyke," he made effort to put emphasis on the final word.

Santana closed the space between them and pushed Dave back with all the force she could muster. He looked shocked. Shocked that someone had actually stood up to him and also that that person was a girl.

"Is that how it is then?" he said. "I hope you know I have no problem knocking you out. It's not like you're really a girl anyway... _dyke._" He was purposely saying all the wrong things to her to make her crack.

Santana couldn't hold herself back any more. She raised her curled her hand into a fist and punched as hard as she could. She felt knuckles hitting skin, but she couldn't help but think that it wasn't the way she imagined Karofsky's skin to feel against her own. It felt much more feminine.

Everyone in the hall had went silent and were just staring and pointing. As Santana's head cleared and she managed to calm herself down from her rage, she looked ahead and saw Brittany holding her hands to her face. Karofsky was standing behind her looking more shocked than anyone.

"Look what you've done now! I think I'll just leave you two to your domestic. Never thought you were the abusive type Lopez," Dave said, obviously pleased at the way this had turned out. He turned and walked away, leaving Santana staring at her girlfriend. Her girlfriend who had just tried to protect her, by putting herself between Santana and Dave. Her girlfriend who she'd just punched in the face with everything she had. Her girlfriend who was now crying in front of her.

"Britt, I-" Santana moved to step closer to Brittany. "I- I'm so sorry." She reached out to touch Brittany's face to see the damage she'd done, but Brittany flinched and pulled away. It broke Santana's heart to see her like this. From the look in her eyes Santana could tell that Brittany was now scared of her. She never wanted things to be like this. Santana was the only person who Brittany could rely on to keep her safe, and she'd just broken all of that trust in one movement.

"I need to go to the nurse Santana. I-I'll see you later," said Brittany, her voice shaking, and just like that Santana was left alone. She didn't even bother hiding her tears as she leant against the locker behind her and slid to the ground, bringing her knees up to her chest.

She sat there alone for a few minutes, ignoring the comments from people passing by her. She had closed her eyes, trying to block out what had just happened but she just ended up becoming angrier with herself by the second. She felt a body sit down beside her and an arm wrap around her shoulders. She opened her eyes and saw Quinn.

"I heard what happened Santana," she said, her voice guarded and small. "She'll forgive you. She knows you didn't mean to." Santana looked up and met Quinn's eyes. She saw honesty, but she also saw that same look that she saw the first day they'd walked into glee club as a couple – the disappointment.

"Quinn, just say what you really want to say. Lying to me isn't going to make me feel better."

Quinn sighed. She knew this wasn't going to go down well.

"Santana, she's going to keep getting hurt. Both of you are. I saw how happy Brittany was when you both came into glee club that first day, but I also saw how scared you were. You're scared because you're thinking exactly what I'm thinking. That you're going to hurt her."

In any other circumstances Santana would have snapped. She would have a smart comeback, some hurtful words to throw at Quinn, but right now all she could do was sit in silence and listen as Quinn told her the absolute truth. Santana was always going to hurt Brittany. Quinn continued.

"She loves you Santana, and you love her, I have no doubt in my mind about that. But sometimes love isn't enough. Love can't always protect you. You can't always protect Brittany, and it's clear that after what just happened that she can't protect you. I'm not saying that you should break up, but I'm just saying that maybe you should tone things down a little in school and make it a little less obvious. You don't want to give Karofsky any more fuel for his fire."

Santana still sat in silence as the absolute truth of Quinn's words sunk in. They could pretend all they wanted that things were perfect when they were alone in Brittany's room at the weekend or when they were having water fights on the beach without a care in the world, but as soon as you brought other people into the equation everything became much more difficult. Things were never going to be easy. This was high school. Outsiders never got it easy. People didn't forget once you gave them a reason to single you out, and they were no different. Santana sighed and leant in to put her head on Quinn's shoulder.

"Q, I need her," Santana said softly.

"I know. She needs you too, but just don't do anything to make this harder than it already is."

Quinn rose to her feet and put her hand out to help Santana up. Santana looked her in the eye before pulling her in for a hug. "Thanks Q."

* * *

><p>Santana had left school early and drove the long way home. She hadn't seen Brittany since the incident and she didn't know how she was going to face up to her again after seeing the fear in her eyes before. They were meant to protect each other and Santana had just become the one who was inflicting the pain instead of stopping it. She punched the steering wheel in front of her as she thought about what she'd done.<p>

She'd spent the night lying on her bed thinking about how she was going to apologise to Brittany. She'd spent hours staring at her phone trying to type out the right words to explain how sorry she was. Brittany hadn't text her all day, and that was what scared Santana most. Brittany usually text her about everything – what their homework was, what she was making for dinner or what she was watching on TV. They never spent more than a few hours without texting, and it had been almost 12 hours since Britt's last text. Santana's heart sunk as she continued to try and find the right words.

_Britt, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to protect Kurt. I'm sorry. _

_You know I'd never hurt you. You shouldn't try to stand up for me. _

_As long as I've got you, I won't let him get to me again. Please, just forgive me. _

Nothing seemed right. It either seemed like she was blaming Brittany for what happened, or her 'sorry' just felt empty.

In that moment Santana made a decision. She knew it was probably the wrong one, but she knew that Brittany was always going to get hurt if she was around. She got up from the bed and went to her closet, where she took out a large bag. She started filling it with clothes. She thought about packing her phone charger but she thought to herself that if she was going to do this, she had to do it right. It was full contact or no contact at all. She took her out her phone, and instead of typing a message apologising for what she'd done, she typed out one apologising for what she was about to do.

_Britt, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. You're always going to get hurt, and I'm the one who's going to hurt you. I just can't let you go through that. Please forgive me. I love you, and that's why I'm doing this. Please _

She pressed send and quickly threw her phone in her bag. She left a quick note for her parents saying she'd went to stay with Brittany for a few days – it was nothing out of the ordinary, so her parents wouldn't be suspicious. She grabbed her bag and went downstairs, leaving the note on the kitchen table. She got her car keys and left through the front door. Santana had always liked the saying 'fight or flight', and she'd always chosen fight up until this point. But look at where it had got her now. Her only option now was flight.


	5. Leaving and Leaving You

Without knowing where she was going, Santana started to drive. Twenty minutes later she'd pulled up at the side of the road. It took her a moment to snap out of her thoughts and realise where she'd ended up. She thought about how the last time she was here Brittany was beside her and she was entirely sure that her life had taken a turn for the better. She remembers looking into blue eyes and seeing comfort and hope. She looked at her passenger seat now and all she saw was the bag of clothes that showed just how much she'd screwed up.

She turned off her car and stepped outside, panicking slightly at how dark it was. She took out her phone to use as a flashlight and made her way to the shore. She sat down where only a week ago she'd held Brittany in her arms, without a care in the world. She sat in silence, listening to the waves hit the shore and she just thought. She could get back in her car right now and drive home and no-one would be any the wiser. She could just face up to what she'd done and take the consequences; she was sure Brittany would forgive her eventually. Then she thought about Quinn's words. How Brittany was always going to get hurt, and how she knew inside that it was always going to be her that hurt her. She started to cry. This was the coward's way out, but it was the only option Santana thought was right. She didn't want to give anyone any more reason to hurt Brittany, and if they were together and she was still around, that was exactly what was going to happen. Of course Santana leaving would hurt Brittany, but she'd realise eventually that she had done it to protect her. Wouldn't she?

* * *

><p>Four hours later Santana found herself standing outside a run-down hotel in Chicago. She'd left her car in Lima and emptied her bank account at an ATM - there wasn't much to take out - before getting on the first bus out of town. This is where it had taken her. She walked through the front doors and made her way to the desk, obviously startling the young man who wasn't expecting anyone to serve at 4am. He looked her up and down, observing how she looked like she was about to collapse at any moment.<p>

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Um, yeah. Do you have any vacancies for tonight?" Santana replied. "Actually, make that the next few nights," she added quickly.

The receptionist checked the book of reservations in front of him, although he knew the answer already. The hotel was basic to say the least. There was _always_ a vacancy here.

"Yeah, we have vacancies every night this week. Single room?" Santana nodded. "Okay, well rooms are $40 a night, how many nights are you planning to stay?"

_As long as possible_, Santana thought._ As long as I can afford,_ she corrected. She thought about how much money she had in her pocket. Just under $400. Allowing for food and general living costs, she could probably afford to stay here for a week. Was that long enough? Was it too long?

"7 nights, if that's okay. $280?" she started counting out the money to pay, handing over the notes to the receptionist who checked the amount before smiling.

"Okay great. I just need to take a name for your reservation."

"Quinn Fabray." She certainly didn't want anyone to be able to track her down.

"Okay thanks Miss. Fabray. Well, here's your key – you're in room 23, just through these doors and round to the left. Breakfast starts serving at 7.30 if you want it. Otherwise, enjoy your stay," he finished with a smile.

"Thanks," Santana replied weakly before lifting her bag, making her way to her room and collapsing on the bed without even getting under the covers. She fell asleep instantly.

When she woke the next morning it took her a few minutes to remember where she was. She looked around at her surroundings, properly taking them in for the first time. It was exactly what you would expect for $40. Single bed with a stained bedspread. Shelves that looked like they would fall down at any moment. A picture hanging crookedly on the wall of some picturesque landscape scene she didn't recognise. She forced herself to get out of bed and take a shower to wake herself up. She didn't even know what time it was, but she was sure she'd slept through breakfast. When she finally got dressed and left her room she saw that she was right. It was shortly after 1pm., not surprising saying she'd only got to sleep after 4am. Really, she was proud of herself for even getting up at all.

Santana headed out of the hotel and started walking. She had no destination in mind; she didn't exactly know where she was. She didn't know where turning left would take her just as much as she knew where turning right would take her, so she just walked. She enjoyed the feeling of being alone. There was something refreshing about being a stranger in a city of almost three million people. Santana was walking past people she'd never seen before and would probably never see again. She enjoyed the fact that she didn't have to worry about bumping into anyone she knew here, she didn't have to worry about being judged here; simply, she didn't have to worry here. Except for the fact that she did. She worried about everything. About how she'd hurt Brittany – not only physically, but probably emotionally too. About how Quinn was probably going to kill her for leaving without telling them where she was going. About how she was going to have to go back and face the aftermath in school at some point. She worried about everything.

* * *

><p>Brittany hadn't taken long to fall asleep the night before. She wanted to text Santana. She wanted to call her. She wanted to go over to her house and tell her that everything was okay and for her not to worry, but she didn't. Instead, Brittany stayed at home, lying on her bed thinking about what had happened. She had tried to protect Santana, because she was sick and tired of being the one protected. She felt useless always standing back, while Santana put herself on the line to stand up for her. She'd tried to defend herself just once, and look where it had got them. She knew Santana was beating herself up for this, she knew Santana was blaming herself and she knew that it was going to take a while before she forgave herself; <em>if<em> she forgave herself. She knew that she should be comforting Santana right now, but instead she just wanted to forget and deal with it all tomorrow. Brittany fell asleep without a second thought.

She woke up alone in the morning, dreams of Santana sleeping beside her slowly becoming nothing more than a fading memory. Brittany reached to her nightstand to check the time on her phone. Reality came crashing back down as she just stared at the text in front of her, scared of what it meant.

**Santana: 10.56pm**  
><em>Britt, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. You're always going to get hurt, and I'm the one who's going to hurt you. I just can't let you go through that. Please forgive me. I love you, and that's why I'm doing this. Please <em>

Before she could register what it even meant, Brittany was crying. She tried to read the message over again to try to make more sense of it, but she couldn't see through her tears. She could only pick out certain words – 'can't do this anymore', 'hurt you', 'forgive me'. Brittany's mind only jumped to one conclusion and it terrified her. No, she was wrong. Santana wouldn't... would she? Brittany dialled Santana's number whilst anxiously pacing back and forth in her room, tears still streaming down her face.

"Please pick up! Please pick up!" she repeated as she waited for the line to connect. _'Hi, this is Santana, I'm can't get to the phone, leave a message or something.'_ Answer phone. No. No, no, no. This couldn't be happening. Somehow, Brittany managed to dial Quinn's number, hands shaking as she waited impatiently for Quinn to answer.

"Hey Britt, what's up?" Quinn's heart automatically sank when she heard tears on the other end on the phone. She knew that Brittany was upset over this, but she had honestly expected Santana to work things out with Brittany after school yesterday. A few moments had passed and Brittany still hadn't spoke. Quinn's sadness slowly turned into fear.

"Britt? Are you there? What's wrong?"

"S-Santana. She's – Quinn, I think – She said she can't do this anymore and I have to forgive her – She's not answering her phone - Quinn, tell me I'm wrong," she begged through tears. "Please tell me I'm wrong."

Quinn was shocked into silence. She knew exactly what Brittany was implying and she was praying with every part of her being that it wasn't true. She knew Santana. She knew that she wouldn't do this. She knew that Santana was stronger than this. She wouldn't leave Brittany behind. But then she thought back to how broken she'd looked the previous day, and all her doubt came flooding back. She forced herself into talking, for Brittany's sake.

"Britt, I'm coming over okay? We're going to go to Santana's and we're going to sort this out. She'll be okay Britt, don't worry." Quinn didn't even believe herself as she spoke those words, she just hoped that Brittany did.

Ten minutes later, Quinn was at Brittany's door. She pulled Brittany into her arms as soon as she saw her and just let her cry. After a few minutes, Quinn pulled back, realising that they needed to find Santana. There would be time for crying later. She managed to get a still crying Brittany into her car and they made their way to Santana's house in a nervous silence.

When they pulled up, the first thing they both noticed was that Santana's car was gone, but her parents were at home. Had they been completely overreacting to this whole thing or had her parents not noticed that Santana was gone? Either way, Quinn needed answers. She needed to know what the hell was going on with Santana and she was going to find out. She got out of the car and made her way with Brittany to Santana's front door. She knocked and waited. Eventually Santana's mother appeared at the door. She immediately looked confused when she seen Brittany.

"Hi Quinn, hi Brittany. Is Santana not with you?" she asked, looking around for her daughter.

Brittany looked at Quinn expectantly, as if she would know why Santana would be with her. She looked back at Santana's mother, whose face was still laced with confusion. Brittany could feel the tears welling up in her eyes yet again. "No, I haven't seen her since yesterday in school. I just wanted to know if she was okay."

Santana's mothers face dropped. "She left us a note saying that she was staying with you for a few days. You – You haven't seen her?" Panic began to set in for Quinn.

"No Mrs. Lopez. She sent Brittany a text last night, and she's not answering her phone today," she said, showing the text on Brittany's phone to Santana's mother. She knew that they needed to find Santana, and they needed to find her fast. Quinn swore that if she wasn't already dead that she was going to kill her herself.

"I'm calling 911. Brittany, Quinn, please call her friends. Anyone. Just find out if they've seen her or heard from her." Brittany's eyes widened at the realisation that she had probably been right. Her initial thoughts had been right. She heard Santana's mother on the phone saying words like 'missing person', 'danger to herself' and 'please, please just find my daughter'.

In that moment Brittany became paralysed with fear. She became numb. She couldn't think straight, her vision became blurred; she couldn't breathe. There was a weight on her chest that felt like it was crushing her. She closed her eyes to steady her breathing but all she could see was Santana. She could see her eyes, she could see her smile. She could almost feel her touch it felt that real. But then she disappeared and Brittany opened her eyes, bringing herself back into reality. A reality that was worse than a nightmare. Santana _had_ disappeared. She'd left no clues or hints as to where she was. Her car was gone. There was no way to contact her. She obviously didn't want to be found if she'd told her parents that she was staying at Brittany's. Santana was gone. She was _gone_ and, in that moment, Brittany thought that she'd never felt more broken and alone. She needed to find Santana and she wouldn't stop until she did.


End file.
